I learned something about surrender today. I learned that even though I keep repeating to myself that I first have to accept before I understand and that I have to trust God with all my heart, I still find myself… actually not doing that at all.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I trust the Lord. I do. I really do. But I realized that my actions still show how I couldn’t shake off my being a control freak.

On Facebook, you could find me asking people to please pray for favorable results. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but I asked for the same thing yesterday when I found out that pathology results were ready for pick-up. My mom told me, “Your status is funny. The results are already out. Instead of praying for favorable results, why don’t you pray for strength to accept whatever the outcome may be?”

Oo nga ‘no. Why didn’t I think of that? ‘Cause it involves surrendering.

I realized that the mere act of asking people to pray to God with me that results would come out good, I was actually sort of trying to manipulate, in my own little way, how things should be instead of letting them just play out as God has long planned.

Our word sharing circle at corporate worship today had a central theme of surrender. Ate Gay reminded me that even though we are serving in community, it doesn’t mean that we are exempted from experiencing hardships. In fact, if anything, especially when it involves people’s deliverance (in the case of Encounters), we are bombarded with more hardships than we can ever imagine. The one thing the devil wants you to do in a time where faith is much needed is for you to ask God why. Why is this happening to me? Have I not been faithful enough to you? But no, that isn’t the case. God allows things to happen to prune us and mold us into the servant He wants for us to become.

So why do I find it so hard to surrender?

Fear that it may destroy my timeline; with my job, our wedding, or my community responsibilities? So what? Do I not trust enough on God’s perfect timing?

Fear that I might leave this world too soon? Did I not say that if God would take me right now, I would be okay with it ’cause it would mean finally being able to embrace Him?

Fear that I would suffer? Okay… I’ve already been through that. The good thing about this one now is that it’s currently isolated. And we found it at an early stage. Why am I worrying? Will God not see me through this as He has seen me through the whole kerfuffle before?

I am honestly so inspired by my SE friend who recently underwent a 16-hour surgery for his cancer. He is only in his early 20s and he has accepted that he may not be able to speak and eat normally anymore. That’s a major upheaval, guys. But you know what he said in his FB status?

I would like to share my sincerest gratitude to everyone who have prayed for my operation last July 9. Through many grueling hours that lasted from 8 am in the morning until 12:30 midnight, my 4 major operations was a success. They were able remove my tongue that was infected by cancer, replace it with a flap by getting a chest muscle and putting to shape it as my tongue. They have successfully removed my neck lymph nodes that took quite some time because the nodes was scattered all through my neck and the doctors have performed a gastronomy operation for my daily food.

I would to thank those who prayed, light a candle, and even did fasting just for the success of the operation. Thank you with all my heart.

As of now I’m in recovery stage. It’s going to take a let of getting used to it, but I have put all my faith in God that he will never give up on me, that there will be a future and hope through the suffering.

Friend, thank you. You are an inspiration. God is indeed the strength of your heart.

Now on to my biopsy results. Ikaw na bahala sakin, Lord.

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