#BigCFiles: May 29, 2010

Was looking for an old concert video when I stumbled upon this entry I wrote when I was undergoing treatment.

I went to the hospital today for my scheduled chemo session. Had my blood tested first and results came back showing my WBC at 2.8. My doctor computed it and for the first time ever, I was not allowed to have my chemo. o_o

Oookay. So I cried. Tears of joy, I think. o_o

During lunch, I told my mom about how I think I’ve developed a certain anxiety. I noticed that I start feeling a tiny bit nauseous on the morning of my scheduled sessions. I guess it’s because I already visualize how I’m going to end up vomiting at the end of the day (wow, good job, Ms. Psych Major). But either way, it’s not doing me any good.

I started going on a crying spree awhile ago after my mom told me to hang on because she doesn’t know where she was going to get her strength from once I myself lose hope.

It’s not that I’m losing hope, though. I’m just tired. Although all the effects are just temporary (nausea, three days; mouth sores, two days; hair loss stopping right after chemo), iba eh… I don’t know how to psych myself up pre-chemo anymore. Before, I’m all, “(n) down, (n) to go!” But when it went up to 10 sessions, although I just added 4 more, I couldn’t remove the post-chemo effects from my head anymore. I hate the feeling of nausea. I hate throwing up (although it feels really satisfying afterward). I hate being cooped up and not getting the chance to function like a normal person.

I’m complaining but I’m not complaining, if you get what I mean. I hate all these things but on the other hand, I’m thankful because only those side effects mentioned above happen to me. I know some people who have gone through worse. Like all throughout their treatment they would experience splitting headaches and unbearable chest pains. And they’d lose their sense of taste. I’ve never experienced pain. And I still have hair. Just that it’s thinner now compared to before. And I get to enjoy all the foods I take in.

I’m also thankful because despite everything, I’m being given the chance to turn a year older (in a few days — I am VERY thankful for that so I’ve been broadcasting like mad, haha). Only a few weeks to go and I’ll be fully functional again (robot?!).

Ooh, did you see that? Bipolar me just became positive again. Haha.

I think my doctor sensed my anxiety because awhile ago, he shared how he was investing all his energy on the study of gene therapy because he wanted to forego chemotherapy altogether. He said he knows what chemo does to his patients — it messes with them not only physically but emotionally and psychology — and if he had the choice, he’d rather not let his patients (or anyone at all) go through it ‘cause it personally breaks his heart (that was such a GMH moment). He said things like, “It’s easier said than done” — how when people say, “Cheer up, it will be over before you know it.” But you don’t really know what a chemo patient goes through. I personally can’t “cheer up” in a snap especially when I feel like I want to hurl the whole world out. I can’t just heal myself by overdosing on Vitamin C like when I get the flu or something. It’s not that easy and it’s not that predictable. I know, some people are just trying to be positive but like what my doctor said, it’s really easier said than done (although I really do appreciate the encouragement and try to apply the things I’ve learned in the three years of my life that I’ve wasted, haha).

Anyhooz, after all that, my doctor stood up, leaned over, patted me on the shoulder and told me to hold on because for now, this was the only way I could be healed.


I cried tears of joy because at least I wouldn’t have to experience nausea on my birthday ALTHOUGH my schedule would be pushed back even further. I do my 8th on Tuesday then my 9th on the 19th. The other good news is, I’ll be having it at PGH where my doctor said there were La-Z-Boys. Awesome. *_*

So no stress on my birthday, but 6K more than usual (because of my low white blood cell count). There’s always a bright side to every dark side and vice versa. Ho-hum. Hopefully anxiety won’t kick in as much then. Happy Birthday to me.

5 years later, blessed to report that I’m still here. Having my MRI on Friday. Fifth and final year! FIFTH AND FINAL YEAR! Please pray for me, you guise. Thank you! God bless all y’allz!

P.S. Grabe, ang drama ng past life ko. Hahahuhu.

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