It’s the first week of February and I’m officially 12 days away from hitting the 3-month healing period set by my doctor (and human biology).
In the past months and weeks, I’ve tried being productive in my own little way: booked more suppliers for the wedding, worked on my blog, read books, watched movies and TV episodes; more importantly, spent more time serving in community.
I’ve also managed to sneak these in between my obviously exciting, super busy introvert life 🙄 :
I’m grateful to my parents, as well as to Kevin, for staying by my side this whole time. It’s because of them I get to go around (and also not feel too sorry for myself, lol).
The one time I didn’t have them, though, was when I visited Sir Eli at the hospital. That time, I was with my Pops friends, Sheky and Lui. They were so sweet as to assist me and help me see Sir Eli before he passed away.
So yeah, Sir Eli, our college orchestra conductor passed away 3 weeks ago due to liver complications. Things escalated so quickly; some of us didn’t even get to properly talk to him before he said goodbye. But I’m still thankful to God for He didn’t allow Sir Eli to suffer any longer than he should have. I’m also thankful for the people who came to his aid even if they had responsibilities of their own. The love Sir Eli gave away to all of us was definitely returned to him a hundredfold up to the very last second of his life (and even further).
I know our Heavenly Father is already assigning Sir Eli some pieces to arrange up there. 🙂
Going back to my current state of well-being, I mentioned before how I still don’t fully understand why things happened the way they did; why this had to happen to me and for what purpose. In the time that had passed, I had discerned that maybe this happened because God wanted me to learn:
01. How to rely on other people. I feel like it’s something I really need to learn, especially now as I am about to enter into married life. I still couldn’t shake off having to do things by and for myself, you see, so this experience is a truly humbling one.
I couldn’t take a shower without a bit of help for at least 3 whole weeks. I had a tito from community help carry me up the stairs just to get to the Christmas party venue. I can’t open pneumatic doors by myself. I can’t prepare meals by myself. I need to have someone beside me at most times to make sure I don’t get injured from walking… and the list goes on.
02. How to stop, look, and listen (to Him). I’ve confessed to feeling so far away from the Lord once. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who noticed I was going through some spiritual warfare. It’s true. I’ve allowed myself to be so vulnerable by not being consistent with my prayer time and indulging in things of this world rather than taking the time to focus on Him. In the past year, I’ve been living my life and making decisions without first consulting Him, thinking it’s okay, and that He wouldn’t plant this idea in my head if He didn’t want it for me. I’ve been relying on my own strength and thinking He’s got me covered even if I miss talking to him for a few days.
Joke’s on me. I couldn’t find time, so He made time. I claimed to have so much strength, so He took away my strength.
I’ve had my bouts of self-pity (people who follow me on Twitter can attest to this), but in the end I just remind myself that 1) self-pity will get me nowhere, 2) self-pity is not of the Lord, and 3) God is trying to prune me and humble my heart. He doesn’t want me to stray from the path He has set out for me. He wants to remain in me, and I, in Him.
I’m grateful for this time, really. Just last weekend, I got to go on a retreat with committed and covenanted members of the community. It was something we all needed for our spiritual growth and something I probably wouldn’t have been able to do if I had been flying.
Also, after a talk I had with one of our community’s servant leaders, I realized the urgency of my having to fight against this spiritual warfare. I’ve resolved since then to start each day with prayer and shut everything out until I complete my conversation with the Lord. Been doing well with that so far, thanks to God’s grace.
Before I end, I would like to share with you the bible verse sent by my Bible app today:
“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14 ESV
So this is where this song came from:
It’s a great reminder of how we should live our lives: rely on God and focus on doing good works for Him, forget the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future.
P.S. Sorry for this brainfart of an entry.