I have found a new vocabulary word to dislike. Basically because once you encounter it, it immediately instills fear in your heart. In my case, upon reading the word on my recent MRI result, my initial reaction was irritation. Irritation because it sounded so conclusive yet, at the same time, vague, since it was preceded by the word “may”.
To bring you up to speed, I had my annual MRI done last April. This time around, my doctor requested for one with contrast. It was then they found that my anterior mediastinum appeared enlarged, but that it was consistent with that of last year’s measurement; they just didn’t notice it because no contrast was used. My doctor wanted to make sure that it was just scarring and not new activity related to my previous illness, so he requested for a PET scan.
So I did my PET scan and everything was clear, especially my mediastinum. What we didn’t expect, though, was activity on my left knee. See, with PET scans, they inject radioactive material inside the body and this immediately attaches to parts of the body that produce heightened activity. So my left knee lit up because, apparently, there was abnormal activity happening there. A growth, to be exact.
I’ve been to two doctors so far and their reactions were pretty positive. They told me that the growth was enclosed so it didn’t look like a malignant tumor. The first doctor I went to even wondered why it would manifest in that location in the first place, given that I wasn’t radiated there and bone lymphoma seemed very rare.
I just finished my consultation with our company doctor this morning and he was still pretty positive about the result. He mentioned how it was a “non-aggressive lesion”. But of course, we still had to wait for the biopsy results to make sure. We haven’t scheduled my biopsy yet ’cause I still want to wait for my July schedule to come out to see if we got our JFK bid. Haha, I know right, #priorities.
Anyway, how am I, you ask? Pretty chill. This was my Facebook status when my PET scan results came out:
2010 me when told about diagnosis: iyak ng dugo sabay tanong-tanong kay Lord bakit ako. Anong ginawa kong masama.
2016 me when told about diagnosis: “Ah, okay” sabay pasalamat kay Lord na buhay pa ako. May dahilan ang lahat.
The journey toward this level of *chill* hasn’t been easy. But God continues to equip me with what I need for every such battle and for that I am grateful. I guess it really pays to get to know Him and his character deeper. You understand that He is, and always will be, bigger than your problems. And that that saying isn’t just a cliché you tell people to make them feel better.
To be honest, I’m not quite sure if this level of *chill* is healthy. But I guess it’s way better than stressing myself out over something I have no control over. Cancer happens, that’s a fact. It’s a fact I’ve dealt with for 6 years now. Am I sad that something like this is happening? Yes, it bothers me. But like I said, there’s no sense in worrying ’cause God has and will always be bigger than my problems. He has allowed me to survive this once, He will do it again. I have faith He will. If not, then He probably thinks my job on earth is done.
You’d think it’s quite morbid, but human as I am to want to live longer, I think the prospect of seeing Him face to face and finally getting a comforting hug from Him seems even better. (Thinking/telling other people/writing about this always makes me cry. Happy tears, though.)
My prayer now, and something I hope you would ask with me, is that the biopsy would come out negative (that means good results in the medical field); that the cells are BENIGN and UNRELATED TO MY PREVIOUS ILLNESS.
My first doctor was very reassuring. “Don’t worry, you will live 50 more years. We’ll just remove that and you can go on with your life.” Yes please. AMEN and AMEN. I still want to spend a couple more years with my loved ones and soon-to-be-husband. 🙂
Please storm the heavens with me? Please? Thank you so much, my prayer army!
EDIT: My shepherd posted this on Facebook today. Timely. 🙂