I don’t know if it’s proper to ask God for anything specific anymore with regards to my illness. I feel like bargaining with Him would equal non-acceptance and once again trying to take control of the situation.
Before this, I prayed, Lord, please let it be benign. That did not happen. But that was a long shot anyway.
This time around, I’m not sure if asking for the treatment to just be radiation would be pushing it again. Or maybe my prayer should be, Lord, please prescribe me the best possible yet least painful treatment. Maybe.
I can’t fully describe the state I’m in right now. I’m okay but I still find myself in random fits of tears. I am trying my very best to accept but at the back of my mind, a tiny voice is asking, Why this again? What is it you want me to learn, Lord?
Lesson #1, definitely: Honor your father and your mother and you will have a blessed life. My parents keep telling me to lessen my sugar intake, sleep at the right time, and exercise. I did lessen my sugar intake considerably. I found it hard to sleep at the right time especially with all my responsibilities; but I made sure to always get at least 7.5 (usually 9 hours) rest, regardless of the time. Exercise? I’m pretty sure running from cabin to galley at light speed while defying gravity counts for something.
I should stop lying to myself.
I don’t know where I’m at right now but I’m taking it one step at a time. Like what the ortho-onco said today, “There will always be little bumps along the way to overcome with cancer patients. We just have to address them and move on. That’s it.”
My God and I have fought this before. My God and I will fight it again. After all, what’s the point of training a warrior princess and arming her with the Word, if it will not be tested in the battlefield.
This is when true faith begins. Increase where I decrease, Lord.