Recently, after sending yet another one running, she had cultivated negative thoughts about herself. She had never perceived herself as repulsive, just as how this popular country singer rarely admitted it was her fault, but for some reason, at that point in time, she asked herself, “Is it me?”
After much introspection, she realized that it could have possibly been her. Although with this last one, she felt she was misunderstood, as he had never really sought to find out who she was, apart from what she had taken in that day.
He had entered at a most remarkable time in her life: the time when she decided to play the part of the prey. A cunning prey capable of turning into a predator, but a prey, nonetheless. Alternately, she had come into his life when he had already made the conscious decision of keeping his eyes set on just one prize.
The whole setup seemed perfect; girl admired boy, boy admired girl. They both played their chosen parts well, though also rather quite hastily. Predictably, as the old adage goes, haste makes waste. What started as a whirlwind introduction, ended up in a natural disaster.
As she was picking up the broken pieces (there were only a few this time), she couldn’t help but look back in regret at the time spent, regardless of how minimal. She would probably never admit this to him, but he was her dream come true, literally and figuratively. But as with every dream, he too was gone in a snap. Maybe because she did not fit his definition of what his typical girl should be. Or maybe because he wasn’t used to the idea of waiting to get what he wanted.
She was fine at first, okay with the idea of losing him. After all, she didn’t really want to be with someone who didn’t even acknowledge her love for all things magical and nonsensical. The only part she truly regretted was the fact that she liked him for him and not just the idea of him… or being with him. Which seemed to be the complete opposite of how he viewed her.
She then tried to remember how it was with the others. Did they misunderstand her as well? Was she really the assassin she claimed to be and did she burn them out before things could ever truly begin? Or did they really just not get the kind of woman she was?
This was all she wanted them to know.
She is an independent woman who knows herself, her wants, and her needs. She is not easy and should not be confused with other women who have accepted singlehood due to circumstance. She’s single because she chooses to be single, and not because there were no other options available.
She can live without you. If you leave, she will hurt a little but she will survive. But don’t be fooled, she still needs you as much as you need her. She just won’t show it and she might just push you away, but only because she wants to see you persevere and prove that you would do anything to get her love.
She needs you but she just won’t show it, in fear that you would hold this above her head and use this to break her into even tinier pieces. She has been burned one too many times before, and after all those instances, has built a fort impossible for anyone to enter, save for the knight in shining armor who is brave and smart enough to fight to the death.
She has many dreams, some of which have to be done alone. She needs someone who won’t hold her back from chasing and reaching those dreams, and won’t be intimidated by her tenacity. She needs someone who will allow her to leave but will still be there when she comes back, and trusts her enough to know that she will come back to only him.
She may be a tease sometimes, but know that she is only playing her part in a game she could eventually lose (and she has lost a lot). She won’t give up much of herself because she wants to make sure that the person who is left is worthy, worthy of all the love and smothering she’s just dying to give away.
That’s all she wanted them to know. That’s all she wanted him to know.
She could have been the change, he could have been the courage. But now that dream has just flown away.
Was it her? Maybe. Maybe not.