This topic has been dorm-ing on my planner for quite some time now. I finally got around to discussing it with my friends a couple days ago and one of them suggested I go through with blogging about it (just for future reference). Been having an internal debate on whether or not I really should just because it’s quite a personal topic, but then the universe has been giving me signs lately so here goes
First things first.
1) This entry is not a cry for help (will be discussed further as you read on).
2) This entry is personal and slightly embarrassing. Insensitive people may vacate the premises.
Hi, I’m Abby and I’ve never had a boyfriend. If we were to regard 13 years old as the proper age to start having boyfriends, I’ve been boyfriend-less for exactly 11 years and 42 days now. No, I don’t find this depressing because I enjoy my being single very, very much. I am, of course, not exempted from having thoughts every now and then about relationship stuff. Written below are some of these thoughts and some rationalizations as to why I am still single.
WARNING: I have the tendency to jump from one topic to another. That’s just me being a Gemini… and a bad writer… but I hope you get my point nonetheless. XD
It’s not me, it’s you.
Back in my low self-esteem days, whenever I had my Why Am I Single (let’s call it WAIS [haha, see what I did there!]) moments, I kept asking myself, “What’s wrong with me?” Often, my brain would point out physical flaws, or my knack for blurting stuff out without thinking them through, or my nerdiness and immaturity. For a while, I was satisfied with that answer, until I started embracing my imperfections and basically loving myself and being content with who I was/am. And then I realized (with a bit of help from my friends), that it was also probably because I had so many standards. If you ask me upfront if I have standards, though, I will deny it to death. Because I don’t have standards! I DON’T! I REALLY DON’T!
But we all know that’s a lie.
Yes, fine, I have standards. But they’re pretty attainable. Off the top of my head (and according to my friends’ analyses): has to be either a brilliant musician/dancer/overachiever (friend’s words, not mine, so this is optional), has to be witty, has to have good grammar and communication skills, believes in God, does not have any vices, loves his mom…
and the list goes on. THERE IS NO LIST. As of now, though, the only people who fit the bill are Daniel Radcliffe, Zac Efron, Robert Downey Jr. (and/or Tony Stark), and Shawn Spencer (and/or James Roday).
The Circle of Life
My best friend surprised me last week by articulating my “no settling” mentality. I don’t have a boyfriend because I don’t want to settle (down). There have been days in the past when I thought, “Why didn’t I just pick him?” But then I immediately argue back saying, “Why should I have to settle for him? Am I not allowed to be with someone better?”
Indeed, are we not allowed to be with someone better? Someone we deserve and someone who deserves us? Sad reality: most of the time, the person that fits your standards also has standards in which YOU don’t fit. As the old adage goes — we always want what we can’t have. In the end, you still settle. But somehow, at that moment, it just seems right.
The thin, thin line.
There have been a handful brave enough to walk through the yellow brick road. Unfortunately, none of them have encountered the wonderful Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch sent out tests and sadly, some lost courage, some didn’t have enough heart, and some didn’t have enough brains. Either that, or they encountered Gandalf along the way while he was having one of his YOU SHALL NOT PASS! moments. #NerdinessAlert
The real thought: There’s a thin line between having high standards and making excuses so as not to commit. I mean, I’m not perfect, so why am I being choosy? I’d like to still blame it on my
non-existent standards, but I feel like the real reason is that I’m afraid to commit. I want to get into a relationship that would last forever (idealistic, I know) and I’m afraid of getting into something where I would be the last one standing. Or where I would be the one who obviously loved more. Because, really, I may seem like the aloof, always-on-guard sort of person, but that’s only because I’m afraid of getting hurt. If you’re lucky enough to break that whole facade, though, you would know that I’m perfectly capable of smothering you. So there.
I think advertising is lame.
I know a couple of people who always whine about being single or post *subtle* status messages that *subtly* hint that they’re looking to be in a relationship. I firmly believe that love is something that finds you and not the other way around, so the mere idea of talking about it already irks me. Which is exactly why I’ve been having the internal To post or not to post? That is the question! debate, because I don’t want people to think that I’m looking for a relationship. That, and because I don’t want, ehem, flies to think they’re now free to swoop in. #FeelingeraStatement
Someday my prince will come?
My brother once told me that no matter how cynical I am at present about this topic, someday, I would find my equal. In his words: Balang-araw mahahanap mo rin ang katapat mo! AKA the prince charming to my Disney princess, the Harry to my Voldemort (LOL). The one who isn’t perfect, but is the PERFECT ONE for ME.
It seems fair to be hopeful about it at my age but I wonder when the right age would be to stop hoping? Not that I want to stop hoping, just that one can only wait so long. I wonder when you will know that it’s the right time to just give up and accept a vocation in single blessedness? Hee. After what my thesis mentor told me about her getting married in her 40s, though, I figure nothing is impossible. But who knows, really? I guess we’ll just have to wait.
Well, that’s it. More thoughts soon, hopefully. Welcome to the inner recesses of my brain. 🙂 And to the single ladies (and gents), this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts. Go ahead, don’t be shy!